Robert Brown|Let's be real. Gifts are all that matter this holiday season.

Let us begin the 2023 holiday season with some honesty. In the weeks ahead,Robert Brown many will suggest all that matters this time of year are friends and family, good times and love, cherished traditions and warm memories.

That is, of course, nonsense. What matters are gifts. And not the act of “giving” gifts or the deluded do-gooders who say, “I don’t care if I get anything, I just love shopping for other people!”

No, this is the time of year to receive things others have paid for, a season in which caring and kindness is communicated via tangible, mid- to upper-value goods that ideally include a gift receipt in case they are undesirable. And it seemed high time someone had the courage to just come out and say what everyone is thinking.

You’re welcome. All hail capitalism!

Gifts are all that really matters during the holidays. Here are some tips:

Now I’m not going to bother getting into specific gift suggestions, but I have a few sensible rules to ensure the important people in your lives feel loved and appreciated, regardless of which holiday you happen to celebrate. 

Absolutely no homemade gifts. Nobody actually likes those.

Whether it comes from a well-intentioned child who lacks talent and the skilled hands of a seasoned artisan or it’s something you, a full-grown adult human with a career and a darn bank account, knitted or cobbled together in your spare time, the answer remains the same: No, thank you.

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If you care about another human being, you will recognize we have all evolved beyond our humble agrarian beginnings and you’ll get your butt out and buy that person something nice.

The rote response to a homemade gift is “Oh, wow, that’s so thoughtful,” which is a lie we tell to hide our deep disappointment.

'Just a card' is not fine under any circumstances

Parents in particular are famous for saying they’ll be perfectly happy if you just get them “a nice card.” That is an egregious falsehood.

Parents work hard and sacrifice mightily, and if the best you can pony up at the holidays is a folded piece of card stock, those parents will smile and nod and give you a hug, all while wondering how they failed so miserably at raising you.

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This reality applies to other relatives who politely claim they just want a card. Let’s be clear: Nobody wants a card. Even people who like cards don’t want JUST a card.

The lifespan of a card is approximately 24 hours from receipt to disposal. It’s like saying, “I love you, and I am showing that by giving you this ephemeral pablum that a tree died for.”

In no way is your 'presence' present enough, for Pete's sake

Friends and family are great, no doubt. But whoever first suggested someone’s “presence is present enough” was clearly joking and did not own a gift shop or work for a retail manufacturer.

That saying was somehow taken seriously and grew into a whole thing, and it’s high time someone had the bravery to fully debunk such nonsense. 

Look, I’m sure you’re a perfectly nice person and you might even be an absolute delight to have around. But there is no universe in which your presence is sufficient to fill the gaping chasm in my life that can only be filled with material goods.

Nice to see you, glad you’re here – where’s my gift?

Just be honest this holiday season and buy people some darn presents

C’mon, people. It’s the holidays. This is not a time to fall back on tired cliches about how it’s just nice to all be together and blah, blah, blah. We have text messaging for that. 

If you want to show someone you care this holiday season, open your wallet like a normal person and buy that person a present.

The three wise men didn’t bring Baby Jesus hugs or an amateurish macaroni-art card or a “Hey, aren’t you just glad we’re here with you at the manger?”

They brought gifts. This ain’t hard, people.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk